There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
