you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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