I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
