i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
