i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
