my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
