Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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