Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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