She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
