Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
