Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize