i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
