I can't watch pbs sober anymore
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
