omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
