my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
