im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
