im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
