Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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