I'm lost and stupid without you.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
