i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
