he wants to bone in the snuggie
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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