don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
