I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
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The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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