we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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