We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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