He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
