Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
