my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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