My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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