Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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