seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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