There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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