I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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