What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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