Apparently you make a good broom.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
