We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
