Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
