K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
They have beer where we have blood.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
