Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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