Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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