the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
