Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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