if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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