Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
