I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
