i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
