my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
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So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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