the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
