So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
