Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
