I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
