I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
