omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
