The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
