I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
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He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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